Thursday, October 8, 2009

Baggage

I want to love you
All of you
Without pretense or filters
Despite what my father did
The men before or after him
I want to believe in you
Even if you aren’t with me
I want to argue with you without it being stereotypical
To be sexual with being a jezebel
To be caring without being a mammy
For my womanhood not to be seen in the masculine form
And for your manhood to be whole enough for my strength not to emasculate
For your manhood to be whole enough that I don’t raise my daughters to believe that the day will come where they too must be both mother and father to children born out of hope in the truth of black love
But punished by the reality of black baggage
Some where deep down I must really believe you are a dog
In the same space where you are sure that I am a chicken head
These images are dangerous
But sometimes the only thing we know

Black men and women hate each other
The phrase rolls off my tongue quite easily most times
It’s a theory that I’ve developed over time
And that I don’t plan to stray from
It’s not to say that we don’t love each other
Just that we love hard
Sometimes too hard
A love that is unconstructive at times
The love of an insecure child
Thrust upon the existence of a defensive being
Chaos and commotion

Unable to detach from each other’s actions
I would love to see you with a white woman and not question my femininity
I would love to see you with a Latina and not wonder if I am beautiful or sexy I would love to see you with a woman that looks nothing like me and not wonder if you saw me as good enough
Even when the thoughts are fleeting they exist
And some how my security rest in your ability
Your willingness to love me

But I have yet to learn how not to see everything you do as a reflection of who I am

Truth is I am surprised we have survived this long
But I’m sure that the turmoil exists because we are often together as the result of pressure and societal norms that we confuse as love
A dedication to a culture over ourselves
Committed to myths of saving a race
More than our own happiness

I want us to not be heavy and full with the weight of the past
To have the privilege to have a genuine love
Pure and untainted by years of bondage or oppression
For those words to never sour our tastebuds
I try running to the place where we exist in peace
Where we are friends
Human
Lovers
And fine when not
But this baggage keeps holding me back


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